Peas In Sauce
by notsosolemnly
Summary: John suggests that he and Sherlock start up a Youtube cooking channel, but all Sherlock can think about is Jim.
1. Chapter 1

One day when there were no cases to solve John had a great idea. He suggested it to Sherlock when he was just lying around complaing about being bored.  
"Come here, Sherlock" he said as he placed a camera on a camera stand and went to the kitchen.  
"What for?" asked Sherlock dully.  
"You said you were bored. If you're still bored I suggest you just come over here"  
Sherlock seemed intrigued enough to do it and rolled off the sofa.  
"What are you filming?" he asked, strumming the camera.  
"Cooking video" said John. "For our youtube channel: Clueing For Cooks"  
"Our what?"  
"Youtube channel. You know what youtube is, don't you?"  
"Of course I do. But why cooking?"  
"It was that or crime-solving and I wasn't sure if it was legal to post crime solving videos on youtube"  
The doorbell rang.  
"Lestrade" said Sherlock automatically.  
"How could you know that?" asked John, on his way to the door.  
"I always know, you know that"  
"Yes, but… Hi, Greg!"  
"Hello John. Sherlock" said Lestrade, stepping into the flat. "The camera is up I see"  
"Yes really appreciate you handling it while we do our cooking show"  
"Gordon, is it illegal to post crime-solving videos-" asked Sherlock but was cutoff.  
"It's Greg!"  
"-on youtube?"  
"How do you turn this thing on?" asked Lestrade, pressing random buttons on the camera.  
"There" John showed how to operate the camera and went back to the kitchen when Lestrade got the hang of it. He waved for Sherlock to come and stand beside him.  
"Oh… " he said, eyeing Sherlock and finding him a tad underdressed. "Maybe you shouldn't wear your dressing gown"  
Sherlock began to until the ribbon at the waist.  
"Ok keep it on" said John and Sherlock tied the ribbon together again.  
"Maybe you shouldn't wear that jumper" said Sherlock but John ignored him and signed for Lestrade to start filming.  
"Ok 3, 2, 1, roll camera" said Lestrade.  
"Hello and welcome to Clueing For Cooks with John and Sherlock!" said John. "In this episode we are making peas in sauce"  
"I love peas in sauce" said Sherlock.  
"I know. Right, well, I have the peas here" John slapped a bag of frozen peas. "I'm going to cut this onion here. While I do that, could you Sherlock open the bag of peas?"  
"Alright. Excuse me" Sherlock left the kitchen for a moment to tug at some drawers. He returned with a gun and used it to shoot at the bag of peas. Peas rolled off the counter.  
"You have watched cooking videos on youtube, haven't you?" John asked..  
"Some" Sherlock confessed. "I like the violent ones"  
"This isn't that kind of show"  
"But look the peas are out shut up!" Sherlock began to collect the peas that hadn't rolled off the table in a bowl. John drizzled some oil in a pan and tossed the diced onion in it.  
"Cook the onion in oil on medium heat" he said.  
"Did you miss me, did you miss me…" Sherlock mumbled in a higher register than was standard for him, staring intensely at the camera.  
"What are you doing?"  
"Who filmed that?" Sherlock eyed Lestrade suspiciously. "You're quite a natural at this, aren't you?"  
"Why would I film Jim Moriarty's return speech?" Lestrade asked.  
"Because when he commits crimes for me you get the cases because you come to me. And you always get credit for your involvement although I do all the real work"  
"I did just fine without you while you were dead"  
"But now you do great"  
"Sherlock, please" said John. "Let's focus on the peas. So, when the onion is golden brown, add some flour"  
"I bet Mycroft filmed it!"  
"Mycroft?"  
"I just know Mycroft helped him fake his death and then filmed him because he is a backstabber!"  
"Ok, Sherlock, the lack of cases are driving you crazy and paranoid, I get that. But now you're just pulling theories out of thin air. Do you think you can try to not think of murder and Moriarty for roughly an hour?"  
"Fine. Can I open that soy sauce for you?"  
"No. Just stand there and act interested, I know you have it in you"  
John uncapped the soy sauce and poured some in the pan. "Oh, and add milk. Could you get the milk?"  
"Certainly I can" said Sherlock and went to fetch milk from the fridge. He unscrewed it for John before giving it to him. John sniffed it, but smelled nothing funny.  
"What are you doing now?" asked Sherlock. "Is it important to sniff milk when you make peas in sauce?"  
But John distrusted Sherlock as much as he loved him. He put his eye to the opening.  
"Sherlock that is the most disgusting…!"  
"What?"  
John put a hand to his mouth, sick to his stomach. When he had calmed himself he went to pour it out in the sink.  
"My experiment!" Sherlock protested.  
"Maggots in the milk, Sherlock?!" John was practically screaming.  
"That is messed up" said Lestrade. "I think we're giving you more than enough attention"  
"It's for an experiment!" said Sherlock.  
"What experiment? How will you benefit from knowing if they can swim?" John asked.  
"The question you should be asking is how will I benefit from knowing whether they will appear in milk if a person drowns in a giant tub of milk and lies there for six months, undiscovered, and how the milk will look after testing. John, I'm serious, milk baths are a thing"  
"I'm never toasting with you at New Years ever again"  
"You didn't notice anything"  
John just stared, more horrified than angry.  
"I'm joking!" said Sherlock but winked at Lestrade.  
"I don't know why I put up with you" said John.  
"Shame you poured all the milk out, now how will we make the sauce?"  
Mrs Hudson let herself in at this point, conveniently enough, and she had milk with her.  
"I saw your experiment and thought you'd need some fresh milk" she said. "There's nothing swimming in it, I checked very thoroughly"  
"Did you see if anything was drowning in it?" John asked.  
Sherlock took the milk and added some in the pan. "A little more" he said and added more."Now it smells great. When do we add the peas?"  
Sherlock picked up the bowl of peas but John took it from him and started looking at each pea one by one, making sure they weren't some cysts that turned green in cold or oddly shaped bug eggs. But they looked like ordinary peas. He wanted to eat one, or no he didn't but he wanted to know what it looked on the inside. He cut it in half with a knife. Black powder poured out.  
"Is that gun powder?" he asked.  
"You know that kitchen explosion two weeks ago-"  
"You couldn't stop thinking about cases for one measly hour?"  
"You almost added gun powder to our dish!"  
"You were going to let me!"  
"But John, think of how many viewers our video would have gotten if our flat had blown up?"  
"We wouldn't have lived to tell the tale, Sherlock"  
"I have peas I can get them if you want" said Mrs Hudson.  
"No" said John. "Cut"  
"I want to make this video" said Sherlock. "Get the peas, Mrs Hudson"  
Mrs Hudson left to do so. When she returned with the peas Sherlock ripped the bag open in a normal fashion and gave it to John. While John poured peas in the pan, Sherlock stuck his gun down his throat.  
"Take that out!" John screamed  
"I was just trying to put myself… in my place. How are the peas?"  
Sherlock used the gun to stir in the pan.  
"Fine" said John. "They will only need a minute"  
"Where did the noise come from if he didn't shoot himself-"  
"It was probably filmed prior to his suicide just to confuse you!" said John. "Jim is dead. Time to move on"  
Sherlock's bottom lip trembled and he stormed into his room. John scooped some peas in sauce on a plate and held it up for the camera.  
"And that's how you make peas in sauce!"  
"Very nice! " said Lestrade, turning off the camera. "Now John, I can't let you delete Jim's texts from Sherlock's phone forever. It's evidence"  
"Just one more week pleeeease?"  
"Oh, alright"  
"I can't believe it never occurred to Sherlock that Jim used a very realistic water gun"  
"He sees but he doesn't observe"  
John and Sherlock high fived and went to the pub.


	2. Chapter 2

Sherlock was lying on the sofa, squirming as if he had impregnated himself for an experiment again, just moaning and grimacing in pain.

"What's wrong?" John asked.

"I have a bellyache. Don't you examine me!"

"Ok I won't"

"It's all your fault"

"How is it my fault that you ate an entire batch of peas in sauce?"

"It's your fault for making it so good"

"Well... I'm going out"

"Oh, so you're leaving me when I'm in pain? That's nice"

"Can I get you something from the chemist?"

Sherlock made a face of utter disgust. "John!"

"What?"

"Don't say the c-word! Why do you think I don't eat for days? It's so I won't ever have to discuss such icky things!"

"Sherlock, I'm a doctor. Nothing is too icky for me"

"Then how come you've never asked me to drop my pants?"

"And you're a consulting detective who looks through the cavities of dead bodies all the time for 'clues'"

"So what?"

"Well, you should have learned a very long time ago that when people die they void their bowels"

"Not if they've had your peas in sauce they won't"

John took his jacket from the hook, leaving.

"Wait" said Sherlock and sat up slowly. "Jim didn't void his bowels..."

"Heeere we go..." John said, sighing and didn't know why he was lingering. Perhaps it was because the longer Sherlock went without medicine the longer he'd be in physical pain.

"He must have had your peas in sauce..." Sherlock went on. "But why? Because he had something in his bowels, that he didn't want to void..."

"Jim died. That would have showed up at the autopsy"

"Yet, there are no records of an autopsy because Mycroft wanted to keep the body in his personal mansion morgue that he's refused to let me see. Bastard"

"So, do you want me to get some ginger ale?"

"I bet it was a phone, that would be so like him"

"Maybe he just timed his eating in such a way he'd have nothing to void. It's possible. He was so crazy he forgot to eat just like you. Jim's dead"

Sherlock's eyes widened and became glossy. His bottom lip trembled and he sprang from the sofa and ran to his room with tears gushing over his cheekbones.

John's phone rang and he took it from his pocket.

"Hey, Jim. No he's not in at the moment can I take a message? 'Did you miss me?' Ok, got it. Chinese sounds good, see you then"

John hung up, put on his coat and went to get that ginger ale.


End file.
